She was sublime, this love of mine. Even now, when I close my eyes, I can see her moving through my mind like smooth velvet. I can see her walking towards me with that Cheshire cat grin and those come-fuck-me eyes. Her long, ebony hair swirls around her face like heavy storm clouds moving swiftly through the sky. I catch a glimpse of her thigh as it peeks through the slit in her red satin nightgown and it makes me shiver. I hold out my arms and wait for my ghost-lover to step into them, only to be disappointed because I will never feel her against my body again. Instead I can only hover above and watch while my only love lies with my best friend, and murderer.
I met her at a party. She was hanging on the arm of some oily executive from the office looking bored and sipping champagne. She looked so out of place amongst the riff raff that normally came to these kinds of soirees. Oily Exec spotted me and dragged her over with him over to meet me. But I didn’t pay attention to him. My eyes were held by hers the entire time, as if a powerful magnet had caught us in its pull. She glowed, politely smiling at the idiot on her arm, never taking her eyes off of me. I felt nervous and my stomach knotted up in the presence of this beautiful woman.
When he finally got around to introducing us, she reached out, with both hands and clasped mine, not even the slightest bit bothered by the clamminess. She leaned in close to me and with a husky voice whispered, “A pleasure…”. Sweet words. Her hair brushed against my cheek and it felt like silk. I inhaled the intoxicating scent of lavender when she stood oh so close to me and that was when I knew I was hers. She stepped back and kept her eyes on me, rarely breaking my stare as we made small talk with the executive. Oh he was typical, showing off for her and boasting of the exotic places he’d been in. But I’d seen it all before and took little notice.
Eventually we were joined by Eric, my best friend and more introductions were made – God I what I wouldn’t give to somehow move back in time and change that moment. If only I had seen the look of pure carnal lust on Eric’s face when he saw my Ana (for I had already come to think of her this way). If only I hadn’t been so blinded by her presence, I might have been able to see it coming. I hate that saying “hindsight is 20/20”, it really galls me, but I was too captivated by her. Eric and Oily Exec (I never did learn his name) became peripheral figures to be kept just on the edges of my vision while I drank in her every curve, her every gesture. When she spoke to me her voice resonated throughout my body and set every nerve on fire.
As time went on and it became glaringly obvious to the others that we would have no words for them this night, they drifted away and Ana and I became ensconced in one of those conversations you end up remembering your entire life. We left the venue together and went back to my hotel room, foregoing the rest of the party and leaving everyone wondering where I’d gone. We never stopped talking as we made our way to the room, each of us spilling our pasts as if we’d known each other forever.
We talked about God and our mutual disillusionment with religion in general. I discovered she came from a broken home, the same as me. I told her things I’d never ever dreamt of telling anyone. The words just came tumbling out and she listened with a careful ear. I never got the sense that she was doing the ‘nod and smile’ thing while impatiently waiting for her turn to speak. Her beautiful face filled with concern and worry when I began to cry as I recounted some childhood scar that never quite healed. She placed a tender finger on my face and swiftly brushed aside the tears as they fell. When I was finally at a loss for words, and on the verge of a good cry-out, she kissed me and oh how I reeled! The sad thoughts left my head as quickly as they’d come in, replaced with thoughts of lust and desire. Her soft lips pressed against mine tasting of the strawberries I’d had sent up and I lapped at them hungrily.
It breaks my heart to recall those moments of how her body felt to me that first time together. I ache for what I’ve lost and I burn with anger at the way I lost it. Such betrayal, such wretched betrayal fills me with a violent wave of fury that makes me want to smash mirrors and hurl heavy chairs through plate glass.
And now, as I hover above my Ana as she makes love to Eric, I feel that white-hot anger course through me until I feel I could burst. I see her head thrown back in ecstasy as she rides him, her mouth parted and I want to invade her body with my ghostly one and force her to feel my pain and see the truth. I want to invade Eric and pulverize his insides with my fists so that he could have a faint idea of what I feel like all the time now.
But I don’t. I can’t. I love her too much to hurt her. Instead I continue to watch, torturing myself. I listen, but when she fucks, she doesn’t make a single sound. I’m not in her world anymore.
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