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06/23/2003: "Another freewrite"

It's a Monday morning and I'm so thoroughly inspired by JK Rowling. What a wonderful hero she is. But I don't think I'd want the pressures she's under *shudder* too much. I couldn't standfeeling the weight of millions of readers complaining constantly about the lack of the next book in a series. But hey, single mum, struggling to pay the bill, now richer than the Queen. Can't argue with that. I think that's what I admire so much. Sure I adore the Hp books, but I'm more impressed she at what she's accomplished. I'm probably a bit jealous as well.

I wish I could write - anything - and get it published. I think that's my holdup really, the fear of never getting it published. My mom was a wonderful writer and yet she never managed to get much beyond the odd poem published. I have this overwhelming desire to leave some kind of mark on the world after i die. Maybe that's just my fear of death talking I dunno. I just wish I could be known for something because sometimes I feel like I'm so insignificant and what's the point of it all. Then I think that I'm being selfish and silly about it and dismiss those insiginificant thoughts. But everytime I start thinking about writing I invariably end up wondering why I want to write so much. And I am still waiting for the "big idea" to hit. I have all kinds of little storylines in my head but none of them are good for much. And who am I to think that I have any kind of hope for getting a book written much less published.

Oh the angsty self-doubt, how I love thee. I guess I need a dose of confidence. Maybe that's why I started this blog, in the hopes that I'd get a little feedback from some anonymous netizen out there who doesn't know and isn't biased but thinks I'm not a bad writer. But then again driving traffic to a website is a fecking nightmare and a half. Anyway I knew when I was writing fanfic a while back that got a lot of positive feedback is what kept me writing. I am a feedback whore, no doubt but it's a confidence thing. If you discover ppl you don't even know think you're good, you're bound to want to write more to please them and give them what they want, which is what I was doing. And I miss that. But I don't want to write fanfic anymore. I'm not much inspired - then again maybe I need that shot in the arm. Maybe I should open a fanfic forum on my site and let everyone contribute. I dunno. If I write fic again it's not going to be slashy and I kind of think that is what people want. I dunno. Maybe I'll go write some Shinzon fic or something. I'm still lusting after him

Ok freewrite over.

Replies: 5 Comments

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