I'm so tired. Every time I lay down to go to sleep though my brain just won't let me. It's been a rough week and I still have Friday to get through. I got a call at my office yesterday telling me that my grandfather had been taken by ambulance to the ER because he'd been having a seizure in his chair at home. My grandmother thought he was just having some kind of nightmare because he'd been dozing as grandfathers often do. But he started tensing up and shaking and so she called 911.

But when I got that phone call saying another one of my family members was rushed to the hospital I swear time slowed down and everything seemed far away. I knew I was going to go over there only to be told it was too late and he was dead. My grampa. The coolest grampa ever. The one who always stands at the door and waves at us as we drive away. The one who spent months building a victorian dollhouse for his great-granddaughter. The one who tells me great stories about when he was aboard ship in WWII down in the South Pacific or stops over at my office just to say hello. I was not prepared for this. I ran out to my car, my hands shaking as I tried to stick the key in the ignition. I was crying but trying not to cry because I knew I'd have to be strong for my gran when I got over to the ER, but I was so dreading what I would be told... The last time this very thing happened - the phone call saying my mom was rushed to the ER and when I got there she was gone...

Somehow I made it over there, I don't really remember how I got there. I stepped into the Emergency Room - the last time I was there was the day mom died and I'd avoided it ever since even though I still work for the hospital. I saw my gran and my cousin's wife, along with my boss - no clue how he knew to go over there. And they told me he was okay. I cannot describe the rush of relief that poured over me. My boss had to grab me because I think I nearly fainted. He led me over to the chairs where I sat shaking and crying...

As of right now we don't know what caused the seizure. He's incredibly healthy for a guy his age (almost 80), never had any history of seizures or other diseases that cause seizures - in fact he'd never had one before in his life. He came around in the ER and had no idea why he was there. Last thing he remembered was eating lunch yesterday. It was just after that when he dozed off and then began seizing. But he's alert, and pretty much his normal self, teasing nurses, making jokes and all that. He may get to go home tomorrow barring any more problems but we'll have to wait for the results of all the tests they've done before they tell us for sure whether he can go home.

He can't drive now for the next 3 months which is going to be hard for him as he did the majority of the driving. I stayed with my gran, and drove her home late last night and waited while she showered and got ready for bed etc to make sure she was ok. I think she was in shock herself but I could see how relieved she was after we were able to go in and see him. Today I drove her over and sat with them for a few hours, then went back to work for a while, then back again to his room to wait for the doc who didn't come and then to take her home. I couldn't sleep last night, I probably won't sleep tonight much. I leave the tv on for the noise to try and distract my brain but eventually I begin to wonder if I can't sleep because the tv is on, but when I shut it off, all I can think about is what would be going on right now if he hadn't been all right, if he had died. I know I shouldn't but I can't help it. I try reading, or getting up and mucking about with my movie site. Nothing works and I was a zombie today. And I will be one again tomorrow when I go pick Gran up and take her back to the hospital.

I think i'll stop writing now... my eyes are burning and watering I'm so tired so I'm gonna give bed a go. Gnight.

Well I had a whole blog written earlier today but like an idiot, I closed the wrong window and lost it all. I was not happy. On the bright side, it was a boring entry anyway so no big loss.

I'm haviung a bit of crisis of conscious right now. My film site is beginning to take off and traffic is finally picking up a bit so I'm pleased with that. A couple of days ago, I stumbled onto a pic of Gary Oldman as Sirius Black. It was the first pic and it was leaked onto the net so naturally I posted the news on my film site. Later I found out that Warner Bros. have been asking the big film sites and fan sites to remove it and most have complied. Except me. I'm not big enough to warrant an email from a major studio so I figure I'll keep it up for those who want to see it. But I feel bad about it. But I've always wanted a big studio to think enough of my site to email me and ask me to take something down :) I think that would be cool. So until one of them does, I guess I'll leave it up. I justify it by the fact that it is a fan picture - meaning it was a few of the castmembers posing with some fans and therefore not official and WB has no right to say what that fan does with the image. Sounds good to me anyway.

I would so love for The Picture Show to take off. I've read where a few other bigwig film sites get a lot of promotional stuff and even invites to premieres and stuff. I would so be in heaven. I doubt it will happen but you never know :) I'm still new in the grand scheme of things so we'll see where I am a year or two from now.

Short entry now tho, dinner's almost ready. Cheerio.