I was about to go to bed but I feel so wretched I thought if I blogged I’d get it out of my system and be able to sleep. Today was a rotten day, but not for any real reason that I can pin down. I should have enjoyed it more as it was nice and rainy all day, something we’ve not had much of this summer. I guess it started at lunch when one of my co-workers came into the office I share with another girl. She came in, invited her to lunch and off they went. They do this a lot really. It kind of bothers me that they don’t ask me if I want to go with them. They only go to the cafeteria down the hall. I don’t know why it bothers me so much. I don’t even like eating in the cafeteria. If I eat lunch at all I eat at my desk. Maybe they know that and just figured I’d say no anyway. But I’d still like to be asked I guess.

So anyway, I felt somewhat out of sorts when I came home. Then on TCZ one of the retired admin totally goes off on me in the BBS (bulletin board are, publicly viewed by all users) and says a few really mean-spirited things. In a thread about the pros and cons of fullscreen vs. widescreen DVDs of all places. I misinterpreted what I thought was a sarky comment he made – but to be honest I’ve known this guy for years and his dislike of me and paranoia where I’m concerned is well-known by most of the regulars. Anyway it’s hard to explain how the whole thing escalated without giving a big background about him and I really can’t be arsed. Suffice to say I explained that if he didn’t mean to be sarky then fine, it was just how I interpreted it and then he posted a response that was pretty much one long personal insult that had nothing to do with the topic or the misunderstanding of the comment. I’m guessing he’s had it pent up for months now and saw his chance to vent at me now that he’s no longer and admin. He’s always thought I’ve “had it in” for him for some reason. I’ll admit to disliking him but I can’t say I’ve spent any kind of time plotting ways to make him believe I’m trying to get at im whenever I can. He misinterprets my disagreements with his opinions as me getting at him.

Ohhh.. whatever. It’s really too convoluted and messy to explain. I’m not trying to say I’m entirely innocent in this situation, but I don’t think anything I said warranted a personal attack. But it bothered me to the point of making me feel really awful at being completely misunderstood for so long and the futility of trying to explain myself to him frustrates me. I hate it when people dislike me for invalid reasons. And of course he posts his little attack and promptly logged off without extending the courtesy of waiting around to see my reply and by the time he came back I had debated with myself and removed all of the posts. So he never saw my reply. And he got the satisfaction of goading me into deleting it. Argh. So that’s totally worsened my mood and I just want to cry.

I feel sad. I’m not really sure why but I just feel like I could cry at the drop of a hat. Is that depression? I don’t feel particularly depressed. I have my usual worries – money being the chief one but I’m not in dire straits. I have been thinking of my mother a lot lately. The other night I couldn’t stop myself from seeing her lying dead in the ER. I hate that that was my last image of her. I’m really missing her right now. I was watching some movie today (what else is new) and one of the characters in it found it therapeutic to write letters to his absent father. He never sent them but it felt good to write them anyway. Maybe I could adapt that idea into a blog. Maybe that would help. I’ll think about it.

Maybe I’m just tired. Or maybe I need a distraction. I think I’ll go clean another closet… wait a minute… The other day I cleaned one of my closets out and found a lot of my mother’s things that I’ve never gone through. I couldn’t do it so soon after she died, but felt okay about it the other day. I found a lot of old letters from boyfriends, some articles she wrote for my local paper back in the 60s, old photos, sympathy cards from when my father passed away… Maybe that’s what’s setting me off and making me feel sad. Has to be because I can’t think of any other reason.. Maybe I won’t go clean a closet out right now.

Now my nose is bleeding. God this weekend has been weird.

*Yawn* I’m sleepy. It’s only 6 in the evening but I could do with a nap. The kidlet and I had LOTR day and watched Fellowship and Two Towers back to back. Good way to kill a day 🙂 Can’t wait to be able to watch all three back to back. Anyway, we picked a good day to do it as well, since it rained most of the day. Finally. I love it when it rains and it doesn’t do it nearly enough here for my tastes.

I think the munchkin’s coming down with a cold which is kind of sucky. She wants to try for perfect attendance at school (my little nerd :D) this year so I’m keeping her medicated and tucked up in bed to try and head whatever she’s got off at the pass. Nebraska’s been hit bad with West Nile Virus this year and my county, I believe, has the highest number of cases of it. The other day I noticed a bite on her arm but we couldn’t decide if it was a spider bite or mosquito bite. Now she’s stuffed up and slightly feverish. Oh dear oh dear…

When she was one, she came down with pneumonia and had to be in hospital for a few days with an IV and spent most of her time in a plastic tent that spurted mist all over her. It was the most heartbreaking thing I’ve ever had to go through with her. I was a new mom watching my little girl lay listlessly in the tent with an IV sticking out of her. I felt helpless because she couldn’t understand why she had to stay in there. Anyway, I’d hate for her to have to go back into the hospital because of this west nile thing. Poor kid.

She’s dozing right now. I think I’ll go check on her.

I just got the coolest program called ‘Starry Night Backyard’. It’s beautiful and I’m really quite excited about it. I should preface this a little and mention my growing interest in astronomy. Well, I’ve always enjoyed it but never really pursued it because it can be an expensive hobby. And I have my cousin to blame for re-igniting my interest in it – that and the fact that my daughter’s really taken with it as well. She’s so clever.

Anyway, this program has you program the Longitude and Latitude of your location and then it will project stars, planets, constellations, satellites and comets at any point in time – either past, present or future. You can “visit” other planets/stars, magnify them, learn their coordinates, check the zodiac constellations… It’s just really bloody cool. The kidlet is going to get so much use out of it for school.

I just finished watching Apollo 13 for the hundredth time. I own the video but I love when they show it on the History channel because Jim Lovell is interviewed during commercial breaks. It’s an amazing film really, and even though I know perfectly well how it ends, I still end up crying like a baby when they make it back home. Rick’s got a couple of videos of all the Apollo missions that I guess just play all of the communications from mission control to the crafts. Can’t wait to borrow that from him.

The weather’s finally cooling off. It was actually chilly out this morning which brought a smile to my face. Summer’s nearly over – yay! The first Husker game was today, hockey season’s starting up, the nights are cold, and the leaves are slowly beginning to change. I’m looking forward to this fall and winter.

Another truly MTV moment with Madonna snogging Britney Spears and Christina Aguilara. I want to look like Madonna when I’m 40-something. Damn. I have no clue why I watched the MTV video awards tonight. I hadn’t seen a single one of the videos that won. I mean really, MTV stopped showing videos ages ago and sold out to sponsors and doesn’t play much of anything I identify with. Why bother? I guess I’d heard some of the hype about what Madonna and Britney were up to and thought I’d check it out. And it was kiind of cool to see my Duran Duran all onstage (all the original members – damn Roger Taylor still looks hot.) But the rap and the hip hop.. I just don’t get it. I couldn’t understand a damn word any of them were saying. The beats were nice, but well.. I dunno not my thing. Beyonce’s performance was pretty cool.

Anyway enough of that. I watched the VMAs and I don’t know why. I think I’m getting old. I *was* going to go swimming tonight one final time before they closed the pools over Labour Day but instead the fuckheads closed last week 🙁 I guess they close them when school starts. But you know what? IT’S STILL BLOODY HOT OUTSIDE!! It was so disappointing. Now I suppose free skates at the rink will be closed down soon due to hockey starting up soon. Bah.

I bought Meechie his very own domain name for his bday this week. I was really stumped on what to get him. He has everything – the boy is loaded up on Versace and Dolce and drives a Passat. Yeesh. He’s difficult to shop for to say the least. But I think I did good this year as he loves his website. My other best friend Kat was gorgeous enough to host it for me so on his bday he loaded up Meechieman.com and was genuinely chuffed to find it existed 🙂 Whee that was fun.

Mars was at it’s finest last night. I’ve never seen it so bright. My cousin’s really getting me interested in astronomy. I’ll never be more than an amature at it – I don’t even have a scope. Maybe I’ll invest in one next time I come into some cash. The kid and I really enjoy perusing the night skies.

I was going to write more but suddenly my eyes are drooping, so off to bedfordshire I go.

So here I am blogging away on a Friday morning. I have a grand plan to update all my blogs today. Yes I know I’m at work and I should be working on Radiology stuff but… but.. Radiology is boring the pants off of me. It looks like it will be a big section but I’ve just been told that I should ensure the content is understandable to a 6th grader. How the fuck do I do that? I’m no good at editing. *sigh* I’ll figure it out I suppose, but damn I need some more schooling just to work out what a ‘modality’ is.

‘Chicago’ came out on DVD this week. Been waiting for that one – such a good flick. I’m not normally a huge fan of musicals. They’re okay and there are certain ones I do love (‘Cabaret’ for instance) but mostly I find it hard to believe a story can just stop while the actors burst into song. But ‘Chicago’ is really well done and clever AND the music is fantastic. Next week though… ohhh next week… ‘Two Towers’ finally comes to DVD. Oh happy day. Now I can delete it off my computer 😀 hehehehe…. Seriously though I am so looking forward to it and yes I will be buying it next week as well as the extended version due out in November. Why? Because I can. I don’t think you have a clue how much these films mean to me. I don’t even know myself. I just love them so much. The books have always been special to me for as long as I can remember and Peter Jackson is just a god in my eyes because he’s brought them to life so well. So I will happily give them my money if it means I get to watch these brilliant movies whenever I want. Why did I download it then? Because I want to watch it whenever I want 🙂 I HATE waiting for movies to come out on DVD. I am not a patient person.

It just occurred to me that I’m not writing this blog like a diary, I’m writing it like a letter to someone. I wonder if that defeats the purpose of a journal where you write down your deepest darkest stuff. Maybe having an audience takes away from that. Who knows. Who cares really. Wow talk about a subject change. Anyway, I’m going to get back to my Radiology shite. *yawn*

What is the fascination men have with breasts I wonder. The latest trend on TCZ is to have everyone get on their webcams and then the girls flash everyone. Woohoo. Fine if you’re a promiscuous chick with nice tits, but I’m having trouble seeing the appeal. Maybe at first the guys are thinking, ‘These girls are obtainable! I could shag one of these birds at the next meet because look! They let me look at their boobs!’ I guess I can see the novelty of it. But after a few hours of staring at other people on a webcam with no sound, the novelty wears off. At least for me. Sunday night a bunch of us were doing the cam thing and several spods were quite drunk (not me of course, as a) I had no alcohol in the house and b) I don’t drink much) but it didn’t take long for the shirts to come off and the boob brigade to begin. I was under enormous pressure to join in myself, especially since the bloke pressuring me is awfully cute – but he was sat next to a half-naked girl IRL so I didn’t see the point. That and of course my daughter was flitting about the place so it wouldn’t have been very mom-like of me to get my tits out on cam.

I don’t think I would have even if I’d been alone. I don’t want to be viewed as one of ‘those’ girls. Sounds awfully bitchy of me, but it’s a girl thing really. There are a few chicks on TCZ who pretty much go to meets just for the chance to get their tops off for the lads. While I applaud the fact that they are comfortable with themselves enough to enjoy doing that, I don’t think they understand what sort of label they’re giving themselves by other females. Or maybe they do understand but could care less. Should any of those girls read this obscure little blog and take offense, realise I am not saying there is anything wrong with having fun and frankly – if you’ve got a nice rack and have no hangups about nudity then more power to you. I’m just saying there’s going to be a stigma attached to you. It’s not nice, it’s not fair but it’s there. Some less-than-liberal females might tend to think the boob-girls are tarts and slappers and look on them with disdain.

While I don’t agree with that stigma, I also don’t think I want to subject myself to it just to give some guys I’ll probably never see IRL a cheap thrill. I think I like to leave it up to the imagination. Sometimes sexy is what you have on that highlights what’s underneath rather than just a peepshow. So monster, if you ever read this, I’m not getting the tits out on cam whether the kidlet’s home or not 🙂 Of course this means my webcam is boring and my viewers drop off quickly when they realise I’m not getting naked. Oh well 🙂

I meant to write about how boobs are kind of boring to look at but I sort of went off on a tangent 🙂 Anyway… Boobs are kind of dull. Sure there are different shapes and sizes but the basic ingredients are there for most of them: nipples, areolas and a certain amount of squishiness. Some have tanlines, others are pale. But really.. what good is looking at them if you can’t get at them? Ohhhh I suppose it’s nice to have something to think about late at night in bed. Alone. Or maybe something else to think about while in bed with someone who doesn’t quite have the set you’d like. Or even in bed with a set you like but you want more for variety 🙂

Oh who knows why guys like looking at them. Guys are weird.