Ridiculous Thoughts

I’m so tired. Every time I lay down to go to sleep though my brain just won’t let me. It’s been a rough week and I still have Friday to get through. I got a call at my office yesterday telling me that my grandfather had been taken by ambulance to the ER because he’d been having a seizure in his chair at home. My grandmother thought he was just having some kind of nightmare because he’d been dozing as grandfathers often do. But he started tensing up and shaking and so she called 911.

But when I got that phone call saying another one of my family members was rushed to the hospital I swear time slowed down and everything seemed far away. I knew I was going to go over there only to be told it was too late and he was dead. My grampa. The coolest grampa ever. The one who always stands at the door and waves at us as we drive away. The one who spent months building a victorian dollhouse for his great-granddaughter. The one who tells me great stories about when he was aboard ship in WWII down in the South Pacific or stops over at my office just to say hello. I was not prepared for this. I ran out to my car, my hands shaking as I tried to stick the key in the ignition. I was crying but trying not to cry because I knew I’d have to be strong for my gran when I got over to the ER, but I was so dreading what I would be told… The last time this very thing happened – the phone call saying my mom was rushed to the ER and when I got there she was gone…

Somehow I made it over there, I don’t really remember how I got there. I stepped into the Emergency Room – the last time I was there was the day mom died and I’d avoided it ever since even though I still work for the hospital. I saw my gran and my cousin’s wife, along with my boss – no clue how he knew to go over there. And they told me he was okay. I cannot describe the rush of relief that poured over me. My boss had to grab me because I think I nearly fainted. He led me over to the chairs where I sat shaking and crying…

As of right now we don’t know what caused the seizure. He’s incredibly healthy for a guy his age (almost 80), never had any history of seizures or other diseases that cause seizures – in fact he’d never had one before in his life. He came around in the ER and had no idea why he was there. Last thing he remembered was eating lunch yesterday. It was just after that when he dozed off and then began seizing. But he’s alert, and pretty much his normal self, teasing nurses, making jokes and all that. He may get to go home tomorrow barring any more problems but we’ll have to wait for the results of all the tests they’ve done before they tell us for sure whether he can go home.

He can’t drive now for the next 3 months which is going to be hard for him as he did the majority of the driving. I stayed with my gran, and drove her home late last night and waited while she showered and got ready for bed etc to make sure she was ok. I think she was in shock herself but I could see how relieved she was after we were able to go in and see him. Today I drove her over and sat with them for a few hours, then went back to work for a while, then back again to his room to wait for the doc who didn’t come and then to take her home. I couldn’t sleep last night, I probably won’t sleep tonight much. I leave the tv on for the noise to try and distract my brain but eventually I begin to wonder if I can’t sleep because the tv is on, but when I shut it off, all I can think about is what would be going on right now if he hadn’t been all right, if he had died. I know I shouldn’t but I can’t help it. I try reading, or getting up and mucking about with my movie site. Nothing works and I was a zombie today. And I will be one again tomorrow when I go pick Gran up and take her back to the hospital.

I think i’ll stop writing now… my eyes are burning and watering I’m so tired so I’m gonna give bed a go. Gnight.

Well I had a whole blog written earlier today but like an idiot, I closed the wrong window and lost it all. I was not happy. On the bright side, it was a boring entry anyway so no big loss.

I’m haviung a bit of crisis of conscious right now. My film site is beginning to take off and traffic is finally picking up a bit so I’m pleased with that. A couple of days ago, I stumbled onto a pic of Gary Oldman as Sirius Black. It was the first pic and it was leaked onto the net so naturally I posted the news on my film site. Later I found out that Warner Bros. have been asking the big film sites and fan sites to remove it and most have complied. Except me. I’m not big enough to warrant an email from a major studio so I figure I’ll keep it up for those who want to see it. But I feel bad about it. But I’ve always wanted a big studio to think enough of my site to email me and ask me to take something down 🙂 I think that would be cool. So until one of them does, I guess I’ll leave it up. I justify it by the fact that it is a fan picture – meaning it was a few of the castmembers posing with some fans and therefore not official and WB has no right to say what that fan does with the image. Sounds good to me anyway.

I would so love for The Picture Show to take off. I’ve read where a few other bigwig film sites get a lot of promotional stuff and even invites to premieres and stuff. I would so be in heaven. I doubt it will happen but you never know 🙂 I’m still new in the grand scheme of things so we’ll see where I am a year or two from now.

Short entry now tho, dinner’s almost ready. Cheerio.

Lately online I’ve been feeling ignored. So many times I’ll post something on some forum, or say something on TCZ only to hear cricket noises as I wait for a response. It’s kind of disconcerting. I can kind of understand it on a forum, especially one where I’m not very well known – I’m more of a lurker than a joiner – but on TCZ it bothers me. I’m an administrator there, supposedly part of a team, but lately my ideas and suggestions on current issues are ignored or barely considered before being dismissed and even if I just ask some inane question or crack a joke on the admin chat channel, it’s like I’m not there.

Oh well. I’m way too dependent on TCZ anyway. Maybe I should retire. But everytime I think about it, I realise there are so many aspects of being an admin I’d miss. Ugh, I have a headache. Whinging about TCZ isn’t helping. I just feel like whinging full stop. What else can I moan about…. There’s always my granny. She’s so bizarre. In fact, my grandfather came to see me at work yesterday and I actually said ‘She’s whacked!’ to him. The scary thing is, he said, ‘Tell me about it!’ That floored me 🙂 Her current obsession of the moment is to get their house “in order” in case one of them (my grandfather) passes away. The morbidity of that aside, she’s been wigging out lately because my grampa has a habit of saving bits of wood, siding, carpet etc from past home improvement projects by storing them in the basement. And he’s squirreled away some of it on top of the ventilation system down there. Well she’s been after him to get it all down and out of the house for months now. I swear it’s the only thing she can physically talk about until it’s done.

Well, grampa has no need to be monkeying up and down a ladder to get all this stuff down so I said I would come by today and do it. Little did I know that I would be stricken with a particularly horrible set of cramps all night long and this morning. Ugh it was awful. Could not even stand up straight. Totally sucks because I used to be able to brag that I never got them – and I didn’t – so now it must be payback because I get ’em now with a vengeance. Anyway, too much info I know 🙂 So I called them and said I’d be over later than I’d intended so I could rest a bit. I finally show up, piss off granny even more when I ask if we can tackle the stuff in the garage when it’s cooler (beastly hot today) to which she said I should have come earlier that morning when it *was* cooler. I then replied that she was lucky I was there to help at all and proceeded to tell her I could barely stand up straight much less climb ladders in a basement all afternoon. Anyway, I made her feel bad then which made me feel bad, but you know, I was bitchy and all. Anyway I told her it was ok, I had taken some motrin and felt up to it etc etc and disappeared down the basement with my grampa.

As I looked around the basement ceiling and the plethora of junk my gran had been moaning about these past months I was shocked to discover that there werre a few slats of siding, one chuck of carpeting, 3 squares of glass and some old screening wire. That’s it. Took all of five minutes to get it all down.

Aye-yi-yi, to quote Ricky Ricardo.

I really want to do a roadtrip out to Cali this fall or if worse comes to worse, next spring. I would love to load up the car and head west for a nice leisurely drive along the southern route to Monterey with the kidlet. We could see the Rockies, the desert, stop over at the Grand Canyon (I’ve never seen it myself)… I think it would be cool for her to get a longer glimpse of the country and I’ve never attempted a roadtrip like that before. My car’s in good shape, I should have enough vacation time built up by then… The only thing stopping me is money. Well, money and getting the kid time off from school which is probably not a good idea. The only feasible time to do it for her is over xmas hols. Argh. I don’t want to go in the summertime because it’s too bloody hot. Winter, and I’d have to worry about hitting bad weather around the mountains.

Will leave that to ponder for a bit. I want to go see Kelly and Meechie and everyone so I’ll have to work something out. Not much else to say atm.. Just working away here waiting for 4.30 to come along so go outside where the heat index is 115 degrees F. And I have to go to the store aswell. Ugh. I shall be a puddle by the time I get home.

Ohh I’m getting a nice little tan from all this swimming. Excellent so long as I don’t burn. The kid and I spent a couple hours at the pool this evening and it was heavenly. It’s been beastly hot and I have to say, The next car I buy I will resist the urge to buy a black car with a black interior unless I live where it’s cold all the time. My car just sucks in the heat. I could fry an egg on the steering wheel. Anyway, the water felt wonderful.

Yesterday, nothing exciting happened. I don’t know why I keep writing that nothing exciting happened. Not every day is a party. Maybe I should change it to ‘nothing bad happened yesterday’. That might be better. I let the kidlet ride her bike to the pool over the weekend which isn’t as far as when she rode to the grandparent’s but it’s along one of my town’s busiest roads so i ended up following along behind her in the car. See, I didn’t want her to ride along the busy road, even though that’s the quickest way. It’s illegal anyway so she had to take a bit of a circuitous route. So I followed to make sure she didn’t get lost. Of course, she didn’t and I always worry for nothing. But she’s not allowed to ride to the pool to swim by herself, so she has to meet a friend there. I know she loves to swim but I doubt she’d have much fun swimming on her own with no buddy to hang around with.

Anyway, I’m working from home tomorrow, hurray! I wish I could think of a reason to keep that up during the winter because I’m going to miss it. Sometimes, even though I love my job very much, I wake up just not wanting to go to work. I just have no desire whatsoever to get up, shower, put makeup on, dress in uncomfortable office clothes and drive across town and sit in my little cave for 8 hours. But having a day at home to look forward to each week motivates me for some bizarre reason and I don’t feel like such a sluggard in the mornings. Besides, and I think I’ve said this before, I love working in my jammies 😀

And so ends another entry. I’m off to watch the Cheers marathon, then to bed with my 5th Harry Potter book. Gnight.

Today I will get my work done and I will swim. I will not pop a video in until I have gotten a healthy dose of pure exercise. And I will not just float around the pool when the waves are on. I will stretch and jog in place. I will do laps while avoiding petulant little kids who blame you for getting in their way. I will let my daughter stay longer than I actually want to stay. I will be oblivious to all the hardbodies there flashing their little bellybuttons and letting their suit ride up so we can all get a good view of their ass. I will not so much as look at the chiseled, slick men as they gracefully glide through the water. I will swim against the small current in order to give my arms a good workout. I will do flips and handstands and I will teach my daughter to do them too. And most of all, I will remember, this time, to put my bloody sun deflectors up in my car because it get bloody hot in there.

Love love loved Pirates of the Caribbean. Love the ride so much – it was great to see all the little homages to it in the film. The kid and I went to see it Wednesday night. It was pretty cool because PotC was one of the first films I started to follow when I started my movie site and I’d report on the progress here and there, read up on it whenever it got a mention on other film sites etc. And then to see the final product and to have it exceed my expectations was really kind of awesome. It’s my fondest wish to someday get a chance to hang out on a movie set and just watch. Ahhh bliss.

Anyway, day at home tomorrow… I think I really love doing that on Fridays then I sort of get a 3 day weekend every week 🙂 I know I still have to work, but there’s something about not having to dress up and go *in* to the office that makes it fun. I get so much more done as well since I don’t have to answer the phone.

What else is happening… Oh yes, Kelly made it back from london okay. A bit of a cockup with the cat in LA, but she got it sorted by pulling the pitiful crying girl routine 🙂 She is so resourceful. And damn lucky the beeyotch. She will eventually end up in a nice little place called the Carriage House in Pacific Grove near the Seven Gables Inn (gorgeous big yellow B&B right on Lighthouse Avenue that has appeared in a Visa advert). She’ll be one block from the beach, and from Lover’s Point. Cheap (for Pacific Grove and near-beachfront property) rent and all utilities paid. She got her job back at Pebble Beach, Spanish Bay Inn so yay more celebrity gossip for me 🙂 and our friends who own a couple of car dealerships are loaning her a car until she gets back on her feet. I don’t think she could have asked for a better way to start all over again – was certainly easier than the few times I’ve had to start all over, the wench. But I’m not hating. No no.. Just a little wistful I do miss foggy old Monterey sometimes. and my Meechie. I haven’t talked to him in a while, should give him a call…

Ahhh well… it’s getting late and I should really ummm.. yeah. I’m off now.